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Funnel of Doom II

Funnel of Doom II lyrics

A song about knowing the funnel is broken and rebuilding it anyway

3:47Track 10 of 41Dark Synth-PopReleased March 14, 2026
Lead generation
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Funnel of DoomFunnel of Doom III

Lyrics

Intro
2

You built me.

3

You named me.

4

You believed in me.

5

How sweet.

Verse 1
8

You dressed me up in pixels

9

Chose the font with such devotion

10

Wrote the headline forty times

11

Treated every word like a love potion

12

You split-tested my colours

13

You agonised over the fold

14

You gave me a countdown timer

15

And called the urgency bold

16

Oh darling.

17

I noticed everything.

18

I just didn't care.

Pre-Chorus
21

You sent me traffic

22

I sent them back

23

You optimised for purchase

24

I optimised for lack

25

And every stage I swallowed them

26

And gave you back the gap

Chorus
29

Welcome to the funnel, darling

30

Step inside, there's room for more

31

You won't know until you're falling

32

What the exit door is for

33

Every stage a little darker

34

Every click a little cold

35

The funnel of doom is forever

36

And it never, never lets you go

Verse 2
39

You retargeted the ones who left me

40

Chased them with a carousel ad

41

Sent three emails in a sequence

42

Called the third one "just checking in, sad?"

43

I'm the hesitation at the checkout

44

I'm the field they didn't fill

45

I'm the exit intent popup

46

That even I couldn't kill

47

You can A/B test me forever.

48

You still won't know my name.

Pre-Chorus x2
51

You sent me traffic

52

I sent them back

53

You optimised for purchase

54

I optimised for lack

55

And every stage I swallowed them

56

And gave you back the gap

Chorus x2
59

Welcome to the funnel, darling

60

Step inside, there's room for more

61

You won't know until you're falling

62

What the exit door is for

63

Every stage a little darker

64

Every click a little cold

65

The funnel of doom is forever

66

And it never, never lets you go

Bridge
69

You know what your problem is?

70

You keep trying to fix me.

71

New software. New framework. New guru.

72

Another course on funnel optimisation.

73

But I'm not broken, darling.

74

I'm working exactly as designed.

75

Most people don't buy.

76

They never did.

77

They never will.

78

And yet...

79

here you are.

80

Running the ads.

81

Again.

Final Chorus
84

Welcome to the funnel, darling

85

Step inside, there's room for more

86

You won't know until you're falling

87

What the exit door is for

88

Every stage a little darker

89

Every click a little cold

90

The funnel of doom is forever

91

And it never, never lets you go

Outro
94

You'll be back tomorrow.

95

You always come back.

96

That's what I love about you.

Behind the Lyrics

After part one came out, a fellow marketer messaged me on LinkedIn: "Luciano, you know what I realised? I thought the funnel was broken. Actually, I was broken." That's a sequel if I've ever heard one. Part two is about denial. The comfortable stage where you look at a funnel converting at 0.8% and think: this is fine. The traffic needs to warm up. The leads are early-stage. Mercury is in retrograde. You build elaborate stories about why the numbers are good if you squint from the right angle. I've lived there. Years ago, in an in-house role before 4 Pillars, I had a funnel leaking like a colander and kept telling the team it was "within expected parameters". The parameters were mine. I'd set the expectations myself and was still barely passing my own exam. The turning point was a senior colleague who printed the funnel report and circled every drop-off in red marker, like a teacher marking an essay. There were so many circles the page looked like it had measles. "The funnel isn't broken," she said. "You are. Go outside. Touch grass. Stop changing the button text." She was right. I went for a walk, came back, and deleted three weeks of "optimisations" that had made everything worse. Dark cabaret, sung by the funnel herself, because denial is seductive and a little predatory. She isn't broken, darling. She's working exactly as designed. (The same goes for SEO, by the way. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a website is leave it alone.)

LSLachezar, writing songs so you don't have to cry alone

Production credits

Text
Lachezar Simeonov
Audio
Lachezar Simeonov, AI-assisted production
Voices
AI personas built for Clicks & Swagger, some inspired by Lachezar's real voice
Art
Lachezar Simeonov, AI-assisted production

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