Funnel of Doom

Brothers and sisters...

We gather here today

In the shadow of the funnel.

We built it with our own hands.

We believed.

I come before you today, humbled and broken

With a cost-per-click that cannot be spoken

I prayed to the algorithm, offered it content

Sacrificed my budget, Lord - still nothing's been sent

The awareness was there, the interest was glowing

But somewhere in consideration the traffic stopped flowing

I laid out the journey from stranger to sale

Spent three months on the sequence - the sequence still failed

I've split-tested my soul into seventeen versions

Each headline a prayer, each CTA a sermon

The landing page was clean, the copy was tight

And still nobody purchased, not one soul tonight

Lord have mercy on my funnel

Have mercy

Every stage we lose some souls

We lose 'em

They were warm leads in the morning

In the morning

Now they cold as retargeting goals

Cold as ice

I've seen the metrics, I've seen the data

I've seen it all

But nothing moves these numbers, Lord

Nothing at all

Into the funnel of doom

Into the doom

Into the funnel of doom

Now I know what you're thinking - "just fix the funnel"

But I've rebuilt this thing from the top of the tunnel

New lead magnet, new nurture, new follow-up flow

The open rate went up, the conversions still low

I've got testimonials, social proof on the page

I've got urgency timers and scarcity language

I've got a VSL that my mother called moving

And still the cart abandonment rate keeps improving

My Hotjar recordings show ghosts in the hallway

They hover over the button, they always look away

I retarget the lost, I re-engage the cold

The congregation of my checkout page won't be consoled

Lord have mercy on my funnel

Every stage we lose some souls

They were warm leads in the morning

Now they cold as retargeting goals

I've seen the metrics, I've seen the data

But nothing moves these numbers, Lord

Into the funnel of doom

Into the funnel of doom

They said "the money's in the list"

But the list don't open anymore

They said "content is king"

But the king is unsubscribed

They said "just drive more traffic"

Like water into a broken vessel

It all leaks out at step two

But I'm still here.

I'm still running the ads.

I still believe in the funnel.

Even when the funnel

does not

believe

in me.

Lord have mercy on my funnel

Every stage we lose some souls

They were warm leads in the morning

Now they cold as retargeting goals

I've seen the metrics, I've seen the data

But nothing moves these numbers, Lord

Into the funnel of doom

Into the funnel of doom

Into the funnel of doom

Go in peace.

Check your dashboards.

And God willing...

...someone converts.