Funnel of Doom III
Funnel of Doom III lyrics
A song about realizing the funnel wasn’t the real problem
Lyrics
Mapped out the journey from stranger to sale
Thought I had it figured, every detail
Awareness ad, landing page, opt-in form
The sequence was clean, the copy was warm
But something cracked somewhere around step two
Been staring at session recordings like they hold some truth
Hotjar shows me ghosts who hover near the button
Then leave without a word, like I was nothing
I rebuilt the page, I rewrote the hook
Changed the CTA colour, still nobody looked
...well, they looked
they just didn't stay
It's 3 AM and the funnel's still broken
Every word I've written, every promise spoken
The leads are ice, the pipeline's choked
I'm running ads on a budget of hope
And the funnel just sits there
Quiet and cold
Doing nothing
Exactly as told
I built the audience persona with such care
Named her Sarah, 34, knows what she wants somewhere
I wrote the emails like I knew her personally
She opened the first one - ghosted me eternally
My click-through rate is my self-esteem
Both declining since the end of Q3
I talk to my metrics like they'll talk back
The dashboard just blinks - same numbers, same lack
I bought another course on funnel strategy
The guy had a yacht, I had the audacity
To think that this time it would be different
...it was not different
It's 3 AM and the funnel's still broken
Every word I've written, every promise spoken
The leads are ice, the pipeline's choked
I'm running ads on a budget of hope
And the funnel just sits there
Quiet and cold
Doing nothing
Exactly as told
I think the funnel's fine
I think the offer's fine
I think the copy's fine
I think...
Maybe I just need to talk to more people
Maybe I just need to do the work differently
Maybe I just need to stop refreshing the analytics
And go to sleep
...I'll check it one more time
Somewhere between the traffic and the trust
I lost them, and maybe lost myself a touch
Been so deep in the metrics I forgot the people
That "Sarah" isn't data, she's just people
And people don't convert because the button's green
They convert when they trust you, you know what I mean?
I've been optimising systems for a human problem
And wondering why the numbers haven't solved it
It's late now
The screen's too bright
I'll close the tabs
...after one more look
It's 3 AM and the funnel's still broken
Every word I've written, every promise spoken
The leads are ice, the pipeline's choked
I'm running ads on a budget of hope
And the funnel just sits there
Quiet and cold
Doing nothing
Exactly as told
Behind the Lyrics
By the third Funnel of Doom, I'd gone all the way in. For a project management tool client, I'd built a buyer persona and named her Marina. (In the song she's Sarah. Personas get aliases too.) Thirty-four, works in operations, two kids, prefers email to phone calls. I knew her coffee order: oat milk latte, no sugar. I knew she commuted thirty-five minutes each way. I knew she'd been thinking about switching project management tools for six months but couldn't get the budget approved. Marina wasn't real. But I'd written so many emails to her, segmented sequences, personalised subject lines, dynamic blocks, that she started to feel real. I'd get a small thrill when "she" opened an email, even though "she" was eight hundred people who vaguely matched a profile I'd assembled from three customer interviews and a great deal of wishful thinking. This song is the moment the persona disappears. Opens drop. Clicks stop. The audience you've been nurturing just moves on, and you're left with thirty templates addressed to someone who never existed. It's the quietest of the three because it's about the loneliness of this job. You spend your days talking to dashboards, building relationships with data points and optimising journeys for people you'll never meet. When the numbers go to zero, it isn't only a campaign that died. It's a small piece of your imagination. Lo-fi, recorded to sound like a bedroom at 3am, because that's where this feeling lives. Marina, if you're out there: I hope you got the budget approved. I hope you liked the emails.
LSLachezar, writing songs so you don't have to cry alone
Production credits
- Text
- Lachezar Simeonov
- Audio
- Lachezar Simeonov, AI-assisted production
- Voices
- AI personas built for Clicks & Swagger, some inspired by Lachezar's real voice
- Art
- Lachezar Simeonov, AI-assisted production
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